I Will Find Beauty
by Scorpiogirl123
Summary: Disclaimer: This story deals with eating disorders and self harm, if this is triggering, please be aware. Also, I DO NOT own the characters or the setting, only the plot. This focuses on Hermione, her love interest is Ron. I will be posting new chapters periodically, and I would really appreciate reviews. If you didn't like it, let me know how I can make it better.
1. Chapter 1

Hermione was sitting on her bed in the Gryffindor dormitories, miserably thinking about how she'd never get Ron's attention. They'd known each other for four years and she'd bet he didn't even know she was a girl, let alone a pretty one. Maybe she wasn't pretty at all, she thought. She didn't look quite like the other girls, with her bushy brown hair and her slightly large front teeth. A single thought suddenly overwhelmed her, that while she wasn't fat, she'd always seen herself as bigger than the other girls. She quickly pushed this out of her mind, as she knew it would only make her more unhappy. She then pulled up her covers and begin to read Herbology: Though the ages, until she promptly fell asleep.

These notions about her body began to creep into her mind at any spare moment, and the harder she tried to push them out the more they persisted. After days of this she decided it couldn't go on any longer. She found what she thought was her solution sitting in the great hall just before dinner.

"Harry, Ron?" She asked tentatively.

"Yeah?" They responded, barely looking up from their plates of food, which had just appeared.

"Am I... um... am I chubby?" Hermione waited with baited breath for their answer. Ron stifled a laugh and said,

"Yeah, Hermione, you look like The Fat Lady." She looked horrified and ran to the nearest bathroom, which happened to be Moaning Myrtles. She begin to sob, but her cries blended in with the ghost's so no one outside would be the wiser. Except Harry, who had run after her, and knowing she would come here he entered.

"Hermione," he spoke gently when he saw her, "you know he was just joking."

"But-I-he-can't-"She drew in hiccuping breaths.

"Hermione, I can't understand you, calm down." He came closer and sat her down in a corner of the room. Her breaths became merely shaking, and they no longer disrupted her speech. "Why did Ron's joke bother you so much? Why did you even ask?" He searched her eyes, puzzled.

"I just wondered." Her gaze met the floor.

"This doesn't seem like the reaction of someone who just wondered," Harry pointed out. He then asked, almost in disbelief "Do you actually think that you're chubby?"

"Well... yes, for the last couple days at least," she saw the look on Harry's face, "oh, come on. You've seen me next to Lavender or Pansy. Ron's right, I do look like The Fat Lady." She buried her face in her hands.

"Hermione, you are not chubby, you are prettier than both Lavender and Pansy, and you do NOT look like the fat lady." He said forcefully, "Now, dry your eyes and lets go have some dinner, I'm starving." She nodded and wiped her face on her sleeve. She followed Harry out the door and back into the great hall, but all she did stare at her plate and Ron stared at her, shocked that she looked like she'd been crying. He tried to apologize, but his words barely broke her haze of sadness.


	2. Chapter 2

It didn't stop until she awoke the next morning. She went to a prefect bathroom and locked the door. She stripped and examined her body, she saw hips too wide and a stomach too soft. Arms and legs too big and a face too round. How could she have not noticed till now? Harry must have lied to her, she could see her awful body with her own eyes. She stepped on the scale, 9 stone (126 pounds).  
Not feeling hungry at all, she dressed and went down to breakfast, thinking that she might want to eat when she smelled the food. She didn't. She sat next to Ron and across from Harry pushing her food around her plate, despite it being waffles, her favourite. Ron took notice but didn't want to say anything, as he was afraid she'd start weeping into the syrup. He did it anyway though.  
"Hermione, why aren't you eating? Is this about last night?" He asked hesitantly.  
"No, I'm just not hungry. I think I'll go to the library." She snapped. She stood up and walked out. Ron and Harry looked at each other, then back at their breakfast.  
In the library Hermione realized what she'd done. There was no way she could go on a diet now without them noticing. She thought long and hard to think of what to do, and she decided that she would slowly but surely limit what she was eating, and run it all off in the process. This way she could achieve her goal, and they would be able to tell. She looked at the clock, she had 5 minutes to get to Charms class. She put down the book she had been pretending to read and walked out door and through the hallways, finding her classroom. Ron and Harry looked at her as she sat down next to them.  
"Hey, Hermione, listen. About what I said-" Ron started, she cut him off.  
"Yeah, sorry about all that, I don't know what's wrong with me," she lied, "I must be getting my period or something." This shut the boys right up.  
The rest of that day she ate normally, even though it pained her to do so. She ran it off the next morning, trying harder than ever, and thus began her cycle. Everyday she ate a little bit less and ran a little bit more. At the beginning it made her feel better, stronger, more energized. This perpetuated the belief that it was healthy and good for her. But everyday she got on the scale and the number barely dropped. Maybe she'd lose a pound or two, or maybe she'd lose nothing. On days with no progress she was miserable. She would scarcely be able to fake a smile, and give reassuring looks to Ron and Harry.  
Those nights she would punish herself, and she started small. She would make scratch marks along her arm, and these were easy to brush aside if seen. emOh, it was just Crookshanks she'd say smoothly. But she found that the further down this hole she ventured, scratches weren't enough. One particularly bad day, when she had actually gained a pound, she took her razor and cut. Up and down her left arm were 7 gashes, and as she let them bleed over a sink in the abandoned bathroom, she felt the pain leek out of her. It felt good.  
By the end of the month she was down to 8 stone (112 pounds). She liked the feeling of being lighter, but it wasn't enough. Hermione loved the rush of a compliment, and the feeling of control. This was hers, all hers, and she didn't want it to stop. When she got down to 7st 9lbs, she was officially underweight and people took notice. Her robes began to hang off her, though not terribly so, and her friends couldn't ignore that she hardly ate at all. Mostly she just pushed her food around her plate. Draco began to tease her as well, when he saw her in potions he said,  
"Wow, Granger. Lay off the carbs." Even his Slytherin friends gave no more than a nervous laugh, and Ron almost punched him in the face. Tears welled in Hermione's eyes, but she swallowed and tried to keep her hands from shaking as she poured in the next ingredient.  
Within a couple days she gotten down to eating so much as a bite at meal times and one day after eating a not even single grape at lunch, she stood to leave Defense Against the Dark Arts. She saw black dots dance around her vision, she tried to stabilize herself but her hand slipped and before she knew it she was out cold.


	3. Chapter 3

When she came to she felt warm, strong arms carrying her and when she tried to flit her eyes open she saw a flash of red hair. She could hear Ron's pounding heart beat as he ran her to Madam Pomfrey. She wanted to protest but her arms felt so heavy and she found she couldn't say anything except his name.

"Ron. Ron." She said weakly. He stopped and looked down at her.

"Hermione. Hermione, you fainted, but you'll be okay. Please be okay," He pleaded and kept running. She slipped back into unconsciousness.  
She awoke, only about a half an hour later and, before opening her eyes, took account of what she could with them closed. She felt a bed unlike her own and knew she was in the hospital wing. Her grip tightened on the hand holding hers. Ron. She tilted her head to the side he was on and hesitantly opened her eyes.

"Hermione! You're awake!" Ron exclaimed.

"Shh," she hissed, not wanted to give herself away to Madam Pomfrey. It was no use, though, Hermione heard the clicking of heels come closer to where she lay.

"Miss Granger," the nurse began.

"I slipped," she blurted, "I must have hit my head," she tried to explain. She turned her head back to Ron and he gave her a disapproving look.

"Oh, did you?" Asked Madam Pomfrey suspiciously.

"You're awake!" Harry ran in from the doorway, saving her from the third degree, at least for a moment, "Are you okay?"

"Just fine, my head hurts a little," she said with a glance towards ron, "But fine."

"Well boys, you'd better go. Miss granger is going to dress and then she is free to leave." Madam Pomfrey turned on her heel and left the room, followed by Ron and Harry, but not before they took a backwards glance at her. There was no judgement in their faces, but their gaze made her squirm.

When heard their footsteps fade down the stairs, she released a sign she didn't know she was holding. This was too close, she needs to concentrate more. If she'd just placed her hand more carefully, it would have never happened. She dressed quickly and left. Ron was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hermione, walk to dinner with me." He said.

"I'd rather go to the library, I'm not very hungry." She responded, it sounded rehearsed, as she'd said a thousand times.

"Bull shit." He had read though her excuse, "I know your starving, I haven't seen you eat all day."

"That's not-" she stopped when she saw his eyebrows raise, "fine." They walked through the empty hallways, as dinner must have already started, he was fighting the questions he had, but he couldn't help himself.

"Is all this my fault?" He asked, _so that's where he was starting_ , Hermione thought.

"Is what your fault?" She feigned ignorance, is was easier than answering.

"Oh god, Hermione! You've got to be joking. You think I don't see you? I couldn't help it if I wanted to, I lo-" he cut himself abruptly. _Was he about to say he loved me? Miserable, ugly, hot mess me?_ Her thoughts raced.

"You what?" She asked.

"Nothing, it's beside the point," he bushed sheepishly. Before they knew they had almost made it to the dining hall. Again, Harry's entrance saved her.

"What's up with you?" He asked. For a terrified moment, Hermione thought he meant her, but he was looking straight at Ron. He was still bright red with embarrassment.

"Nothing." He said.


	4. Chapter 4

After Ron's failed attempt to get answers, the boy's efforts seem to have faltered. Hermione continued to do as she liked, but ever since that night it had started to feel wrong. Maybe she was wrong, maybe she _was_ crazy. She pondered this, and it made her feel something different, something that made her immensely uncomfortable. The feeling started in her stomach and expanded, to the tips of her fingers and the ends of her toes. It would rise to her throat and choke her speech sometimes. When it would take over she would catch herself shaking.

Trying to release it, she turned to her razor as an old friend. She prayed it would do its job, take away the pain. But this wasn't pain she was feeling, it was regret. She'd let her insecurities take her over, her control was gone. She hated herself more than ever, for being so god damn stupid. She'd let it happen, she'd encouraged it. She realized she was crying, sobbing in fact. So loudly that she heard someone rattle the door handle of the bathroom where she was. She had mere seconds before Ron burst in, and saw her, really saw her. Cuts up and down her arms, a skeletal body covered in pale skin, tears streaking her face.

"Oh Hermione," he bent to her level. She threw her arms around him and cried into his shoulder. He just held her close and rubbed her back, "it's okay 'Mione, shh, your okay now, I'm here," he whispered in her ear. This was her tipping point. If she had been in regular, logical state, this would have been incredibly embarrassing. But in the current circumstances, she was grateful for the comfort, she let him pick her up and carry her to her bed. He stayed next to her, sitting in a chair he pulled up, until she fell asleep. Before she did, though, she decided she was done with this. She couldn't handle it anymore.

This new leaf she had turned over proved much, much harder than she expected. To anyone watching, it was as if she hadn't changed at all, but she was trying. She tried to tell herself that she was enough, but she found that she could not detach herself from the belief that she had to be thin to be happy. She tried to change her habits, but god do the old ones die hard. She knew this was too much for her to handle by herself. At midnight she walked down to the Gryffindor common room, Ron and Harry were the only ones left. She gathered all the courage she could muster.

"Guys?" They looked at her, they were really listening, "I need help."

"We know," they said at once.

"I'm not crazy."

"We know that too," Ron said. They hugged her tightly.

A couple days later the three of them were walking in Hogsmead. She was going to see a mental healer, and she was extremely nervous. They came to the door of the building.

"I have to go, but I want to hear everything when I get back," Harry told them. He gave Hermione a quick hug, and was on his way.

"I-" Ron started,

"Please stay," Hermione pleaded,

"Was just going to ask if you wanted me to stay," he finished. They walked in together, holding hands.

"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger. I have an appointment?" She said to the receptionist.

"Yes. Hello, Hermione. Dr. Cethine will see you now." They walked down a hallway to the door of an office and opened it.

"You must be Hermione," Dr. Cethine looked up her and stood, she turned to Ron, "you are?"

"Uh, Ron Weasley." This exchange eerily reminded him of his first meeting with Hermione, except his mouth wasn't full of a chocolate frog.

"Why don't you both have a seat," she gestured to a couch against one wall of her cozy looking office, "So, are you here for couples therapy?" They let go of each other's hands quickly and blushed.

"No," Hermione said, "Ron and I are just friends, he's here for support."

"Ah, well whatever you need to be comfortable. Why are you here Hermione?" Dr. Cethine asked.

"Um..." She took a steadying breath and swallowed, "Uh... I'm sorry I don't really know what to say."

"This part can be difficult," she offered, "Ron, why do you think she's here?"

"Because she has an eating disorder," he said. Hermione flinched at the last two words, "sorry."

"Hermione?" Dr. Cethine looked at her.

"I suppose he is correct," she said curtly.

"You suppose?" She asked, " you feel differently?"

"Well, I... I guess not." Hermione was the most uncomfortable she had ever been. The therapist looked at her, "I just, something about the words, I have a hard time..." she trailed off. Ron's hand moved back to hold hers.

"That's okay. It can be very hard to accept the terms of our behaviors." Dr. Cethine reassured her, "When, or perhaps, why did this begin?"

"Well, I guess it all started when..." she let go of Ron's hand and looked at him, "when I noticed something you did that upset me," He looked confused.

"What was it?" Dr. Cethine prompted her.

"Ignored me, as, well as a potential love interest." This had quite the affect on Ron. He looked shocked," I began to think if I was prettier, if I was thinner, if I looked more like the other girls, you would finally see me."

An hour later they were meeting Harry in the hogshead. Hermione and Ron both looked very awkward sitting next to each other.

"So," Harry said, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," they both said quickly.

"Why is it that whenever I find you too alone, you're both blushing like mad?" Harry was utterly confused as to what could have happened in Hermione's therapy session to make them both act so weird.

"What did you go do?" Hermione changed the subject.

"Oh I just met up with Neville, he had said he needed to show me something. It was a rare plant that apparently Professor Sprout didn't even know about." Harry explained.


	5. Chapter 5

That night, in her four poster bed, Hermione's thoughts were more whirling than ever. She'd told him. Technically indirectly, but still.

" _Did_ he see me?" She mouthed wordlessly. _And if he did, was it because I look better now? Or was it because he always had? Could I risk eating? Could I risk letting myself be... whatever I used to be?_ Her thoughts were like a hurricane. She needed more evidence, she decided. Her highly logical mind took over and came to this conclusion. At least now she could fall asleep.

The position she found herself in was funny. It was mentally very hard to make herself eat, but her body was so hungry that she couldn't figure out what was easier, eating or not. She was stuck in some sort of limbo, like she could be trying to decide whether or not to eat forever. Meanwhile, she watched Ron, trying to find out how he felt about her. She even asked Harry how Ron thought of her, but he just cleared his throats several times before replying,

"Uh, friend, of course."

This didn't please Hermione, and it didn't get any easier to answer her questions. Her mind now had a constant to do list, when she wasn't thinking about whether or to eat the meal, she was watching and analyzing Ron. Trying to figure it out. She watched him pour something into their caldron when she heard Malfoy behind her.

"Do you see her watching him? She never be with weasel if she keeps looking like that," he said, and his cronies laughed.

"What should she look like? What would you prefer, Draco?" Pansy Parkinson asked eagerly.

"I don't know," he said as he got up and started to walk past her, trying to let her hear him, "how can someone be this ugly?" He left the room, and the rest started to go.

"Hermione?" Ron's hand waved in front of her face, "you coming or what?"

"Oh, yeah, coming." She mumbled. Ron must not have heard Malfoy, but she did. It made her feel horrible. Now she was even less sure than she had been before, _did she want to get better? What did that even mean? Cause if it meant get fat, she was not interested._ The three of them were walking down to the great hall. _Oh no_ , __she thought, _lunch_. 

"Hey, guys, I just realized. I forgot to do my transfiguration homework. I'd better go." She lied, she was surprised at how easy it came to her.

"What about lunch?" Ron asked, eyeing her.

"I'll just have a big dinner or something." She said and walked off before either of them could stop her. She didn't know it, but this was the moment that would change her relationships, and not for the better.

Weeks passed and she ate so little it was frightening, almost less than before. She looked like a twig in her too large robes, and she hardly slept. She began to withdraw from everything, her friends, her classes. She cut herself every night, and she had no friends to save her this time. They were so preoccupied with their exams and homework that they didn't have time for anything else. She felt the worst she ever had and her grades were falling. She couldn't pay attention in class and her mind went over the same things constantly. _You're fat and Ron hates you, you're fat and Ron hates you._ It played in her head over and over in singing-songy, cruel voice. It wouldn't leave. She made no attempt to hide her emotions anymore, and what was worse, nobody noticed. Nobody talked to her or asked if she was ok. Nobody did anything, nobody cared. Hermione felt the most alone she ever had, and every assignment or task she was given felt like being asked to climb Mount Everest. On one more sleepless night, she thought, _why am I here? Why am I alive? No one wants me, they probably wouldn't even notice if I left. It would be so much easier if I was gone, for everyone. Then they can truly forget about me._ She mulled this over for a few days. It seemed like the only choice she could make.

 __She sat up in bed a couple nights later, and pulled out parchment and a quill.

 __ _To whichever friends I have left. I'll miss you, even if you may not miss me. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed me to be, that I couldn't be a good friend and that I couldn't handle this life. I just wasn't strong enough. It's not your fault, by the way, there's nothing you could have done to stop me. I guess this is good bye. If you're reading this, Harry, do you remember what you told me Dumbledore told you? "Do not pity the dead, pity the living. And above all those who live without love." Remember that if this makes sad, because I was living without love, so maybe I'll find it in death. I love you all, and Ron, when you find my body look at my left arm, I wanted something to remind me (or perhaps you) when I'm gone._

 _Goodbye,_

 _-Hermione_

She walked down the stairs ever so quietly, leaving the parchment on her bed. She moved through the castle more graceful than she ever had, and came to the top of the astronomy tower. A fall from here would surely kill her, she knew it. She stepped over the railing and stood, heels still secure, holding on with her back to the inside of the tower. She stayed there for a moment, breathing in the night air, feeling more alive than she had in months. It was calming, peaceful.

"Hermione?" The voice was shaking. "Please don't, please, give me a chance." She turned to see Ron.

"How did you know I was here?" She asked, her voice reminded her of Luna Lovegood's, not demanding, merely curious.

"Ginny found your note. She got me and Harry, and I was faster. Will you just come back and then we can talk, ok? Just talk."

"No, I will not let you take my control, that dies with me. You don't understand Ron, this is my only choice and I don't want to live in a world where that is truth."

"Hermione, please, I need you." He was crying now, "if you jump, I'll come with you." She hesitated, maybe this was the wrong decision, but she didn't want to go back to her life, at least not as it was. Before she could think, thought, his arms came around her. She'd forgotten how muscular he was, he pulled her up and over the railing, back to safety. He carried her back to Gryffindor tower and curled up with her in one of the armchairs. She then did what she hadn't done in weeks, she slept.


End file.
